Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Thank you for your letter, chocolate bar, lamington and pompom. The chocolate got crushed, so I blended the bits with milk and icecream and now I am drinking it right now. After much thought, I think I have a solution to your teasing. Tell Bernie Clifford your birthmark is made of chocolate, which means when you get to heaven you will be in charge of all the chocolate. This of course is a lie I do not like lies but in this case I think it will be of benefit. I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate but, of course, I cannot because of my atheism. My neighbour lvy is also an atheist. She doesn't talk much but makes me very good soup on Sunday nights. She is partly blind and sometimes I find her hair in my soup. Eeugh! I do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof says this would be impolite.
Here is a list of what I eat on the other nights. Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish, Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel, Wednesdays - Captain Salty's Fishstix, Thursdays - Yentls Cheezy Blintz and Fridays - chicken nuggets. On Saturday nights I create my own recipes. Last week I invented canned spaghetti hamburgers. Recipes are like mathematical equations. Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator and to never eat anything bigger than your head. I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head but not all at once. Do you have any weight loss suggestions? My Overeaters Anonymous meetings don't seem to be working and just make me tense. It would be good if there was a "Fat Fairy". She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.
Ivy says she is only a "little bit" blind but I think she is very blind. She should get a cane like other vision-impaired people. She could make the end pointy and collect rubbish at the same time. I think I will write a letter to the Mayor and suggest this. He will be very impressed. Ivy says she doesn't need a cane because she has a good sense of smell. She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut. She says I smell like liquorice and old books. I think she smells like cough medicine and urine. I have never told her this as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said this would also be impolite.
People often think I am tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be...improper. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends of course except for you. A real friend has been one of my three goals in life. The other two are to own every Noblet and a lifetime supply of chocolate. Dr Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals but not stupid ones like mine.
I have now run out of things to tell you. Please, write soon.
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz
PS. Do not worry about not smiling. My mouth hardly ever smiles but it does not mean I am not smiling inside my brain.
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee, some Chocolate Pop Rocks, which you should eat with cola, and an illustration of a turtle from one of my National Geographics.
PPPS. Did you know that turtles can breathe through their anuses?