I'm so excited you've wroted back. I don't think my parents like you so from now on send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley. He's old with no legs. They got chewed off in World War ll when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas. Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth. He's scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia. He's started giving me 50 cents a week to get his mail. I'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland and marry a man called Earl Grey.
Do you get "The Noblets" in America? Well, my favourite Noblet is Vanity Noblet. He wants to be everyone's friend, even the boys'! In your letter, you said you had no friends. Well, neither do I. A-ha! Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed on my spam sandwich and called me "poo face" 'cos of my birthmark. I wish I could peel it off like a bandaid. He also laughed 'cos I had no buttons. Ethel pecked them off and Mum couldn't thread a needle 'cos she'd been testing the sherry so she used pegs instead. When I got home, I climbed into my secret place till dinner time. The other kids also laugh at my haircut. Dad has to cut my hair because mum says real hairdressers sell your hair to Chinamen who stuff mattresses. My teacher, Mrs Pendergast, says I should smile more. I told my mum and so she drawed a big smile on me. I don't think Mrs Pendergast likes me anymore.
I better go now. My tears are smudgling my words.
Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle.
PS. Have you ever been teased? Can you help me?
PSS. I've never been hang gliding before or been a "commune-ist" but would love a frisbee and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.
PSSS. I'm sending you some Australian chocolate, a pompom I made and a cake called a lamington, which I was meant to eat for lunch. Have you ever been teased?