Mary Daisy Dinkle's 3rd letter to Max Jerry Horowitz

Dear Max,

When I told Bernie Clifford I'll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven and he wouldn't get any, he cried. I also hide'd some dog's poo in his bit of the sandpit. Your advice was great and I've got a job delivering pamphlets so I can save to come and see you. I am sad to hear you are fat. Mum says I am fat too and I'm growing up to be a heifer, which I think is a type of cow. Maybe you should only eat things beginning with the letter of each day. On Mondays you could only eat milkshakes, marshmallows and...mustard. Oooh! For my birthday, my Mum baked a cake and Dad gave me a camera.

I hope you like the photos I sent. The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel. The next one is one of myself after I ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks with the cola, like you said. Next is Len. He's still trying hard not to be afraid of outside and conquer his homophobia. The next one is of dad in his shed, and then one of the times I covered mum while she was asleep in her stickers that help her stop smoking. Next, when I got my slinky caught in my hair. Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife, Cher. And, finally, a photo of my other neighbour Damian Popodopolous. He's a Greek and smells like lemon dishwashing liquid and his skin is smooth, like the back of a spoon. Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter and can't even say his own surname. She says you have to hit him on the back of the head to get his words out. P-P-P-P...Popodopolous. I wish he was my boyfriend and we can be in love and do sexing like Katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed. She said it's when two people go "nuddy" and rub on each other to make babies. I told her she's a liar and would go to hell and burn like toast 'cos babies really come from beer glasses and eggs laid by rabbits and nuns and "prosti-tubes". She said ladies get knocked up and bake babies in their stomachs for 2 years till they spurt out their "vag-eye-ners" with blood and tinned spaghetti.

Have you got a girlfriend, Max, or some wives? Have you done sexing? Valentine's Day is soon and I want to give Damian a present so he can love me. Can you explain love and how I can be "lover'd"?